Thinking Out Loud
by Werewolf Queen
Summary: A series of one-shots, that are also linked, between Sirius and Remus, those moments when they lost each other and those when they were reunited
1. Behind Blue Eyes

_No one knows what it's like_

 _To be the bad man_

 _To be the sad man_

 _Behind blue eyes_

Before he knew what was happening he was surrounded by Aurors, all had the wands raised and pointed straight at him. Looking around at the destruction; the scattered dead muggles, 12 he counted as he looked at them, his vision honing in on the solitary finger that lay on the ground where Peter had been standing. A manic laugh burst from his lips as he let his wand clatter to the ground and laced his fingers behind his head, no point fighting this, there'd be a trial and then he'd walk free, take Harry away from those muggles, apologise to Remus for ever suspecting him, and they'd raise Harry as a family. Telling him stories of James and Lily, he'd grow up loved, cared for and happy.

 _No one knows what it's like_

 _To be hated_

 _To be fated_

 _To telling only lies_

Of course, that didn't happen; there was no trial, no telling his side of the story, they took everything at face value and sent Sirius straight to Azkaban. He tried to tell them that Peter was the one, that he'd betrayed the Potter's, he'd blown up all those muggles. But the muggle witnesses that were still alive had recounted how Peter had shouted just that at Sirius, blamed Sirius for betraying the Potter's and of course no-one knew that he and Peter had swapped places for the Fidius Charm. No-one knew and so no-one could vouch for Sirius as only the secret keeper could have revealed the location of the Potter's and they all believed Sirius to be the secret keeper.

 _But my dreams they aren't as empty_

 _As my conscience seems to be_

 _I have hours, only lonely_

 _My love is vengeance that's never free_

His conscious was clear, he knew he was innocent, he'd never done anything to James or Lily, except make them put their trust in the wrong person, maybe he should have left his own life at risk. The dementors brought up his worst memories, while awake he could focus on his innocence, it wasn't a happy memory but it was something to focus on, it kept the dementors at bay, at least a little bit. While he slept though his dreams of happier times were always interrupted, the dementors even fed on his dreams, and turned them to nightmares. He couldn't allow himself to think of Remus, but every once in a while that face would creep into his mind, usually while he slept.

 _No one knows what it's like_

 _To feel these feelings_

 _Like I do_

 _And I blame you_

The houses had just been cleared, all the stuff sent through the floo. James and Lily, killed by Voldemort, baby Harry, sent to live with muggles, Peter blown to pieces and Sirius in Azkaban. Remus was alone, Moony was alone. A box of stuff now sat in Remus' living room, full of things left to him by those he was closest to. Remus sat on his couch, his head in his hands. Hour after hour went by, just sitting in the dark, Remus hadn't moved, hadn't slept, hadn't eaten. As the sun began to rise a slither of light crept in through a gap in the curtains. Remus slowly lifted his head from his hands and slowly stood up. He went to the box and with trembling hands he opened the box. Inside lay many photo's, summer after 1st year, a photo of everyone with different coloured hair, one of stag a dog and a rat. One of Remus standing with Lily and Marlene. One of graduation. Lily and James at their wedding, Lily and James with a baby Harry, Sirius on his bike.

 _No one bites back as hard_

 _On their anger_

 _None of my pain and woe_

 _Can show through_

With a growl, Remus screwed up the photo of Sirius and threw it across the room, he watched as it fell into the fire place and he instantly pulled out his wand, managing to rescue the photo before it was completely destroyed, with a muttered spell and another flick of his wrist he restored the photo to its original state. The Sirius in the photo now looked totally bewildered at the action, a tear rolled down Remus's cheek and landed with a splat on the photo. He furiously wiped his eye on the back of his hand before anymore tears could spill out. He put the photos back into the box from which they'd came and just left it sitting there on the coffee table.

 _But my dreams, they aren't as empty_

 _As my conscience seems to be_

 _I have hours, only lonely_

 _My love is vengeance that's never free_

He woke with a start, he'd been crying in his sleep once again, throwing the sheets off of himself he stood up, he would not let himself get upset over Sirius, the dreams always involved Sirius and he always awoke with tears tracks and a runny nose. He walked towards the closet, today was Lily and James' funeral and he needed to be prepared for that, he'd spent the past week in a slump and he looked a mess, hadn't changed his clothes, showered, shaved… he hadn't even eaten. After a quick shower he moved to the closet to find his suit, as soon as he opened it he was hit with Sirius scent, his Sirius. He sunk to the floor and began to sob, great ugly sobs, he could barely breath as all the sadness that consumed him at the loss of everything he knew, everyone he loved finally hit him. He curled himself into a ball and just sat there crying for what felt like hours.

 _No one knows what it's like_

 _To be mistreated, to be defeated_

 _Behind blue eyes_

 _No one knows how to say_

 _That they're sorry and don't worry_

 _I'm not telling lies_

A soft tap on the door brought Remus from his dazed state, he'd stopped crying a while ago, but he'd not managed to get himself up off the ground to continue getting ready, he wasn't ready to say goodbye, it was too much of the end for Remus. The knock came again and Remus realised someone was at his bedroom door, not the front door, the door opened and he heard the soft footsteps coming towards him "Oh hunny" his mother's voice was soft as she wrapped an arm around his shoulder and helped him to his feet, she sat him on the bed and without another word she found his suit in the wardrobe and helped him get dressed. She the guided him through the hallway to the kitchen where his father was sat waiting, both of them knew there was nothing they said would help so they were just there. His father tied his tie and they left the house to head to Godric's Hollow, his mother's hand in his, and his father's arm around his shoulders.

 _But my dreams they aren't as empty_

 _As my conscience seems to be_

 _I have hours, only lonely_

 _My love is vengeance_

 _That's never free_

Sirius had seen the newspaper that morning, watched as Crouch had come in to see his son, he was the only one allowed to do such things, he'd watched Crouch walk past the with newspaper under his arm, he'd caught a glimpse of the front page; James and Lily's funeral had been today. Sirius sunk to his knees his head in his hands as he began to cry, his hands moving from his face to tangle in his hair, letting his head fall back against the wall he was resting against. He caught sight of the fall moon through the bars and he tugged on his hair, letting out a hiss of pain knowing that for the first time since they were 15 Remus was alone during a full moon. Pushing himself to his feet Sirius turned around and punch the wall, he continued to punch the wall, feeling the searing pain as he split the skin and felt the blood trickle down the knuckle. He turned his blue eyes towards the moon once more as a single tears slipped down his cheek.

 _No one knows what it's like_

 _To be the sad man_

 _To be the bad man_

 _Behind blue eyes_


	2. Please Forguive Me

This took so long to get finished, I've had it half written since before Christmas, but I lost it and I apologise. But here it is, chapter 2! As usual I own nothing, the song is Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams. Enjoy!

* * *

The houses up and down the street were all in different states of disrepair, clearly this was a poor neighbourhood. Remus looked down at Padfoot and sighed. "It's not much, but its home, don't earn much money, people find out you're a werewolf and that's it, no more job." The canine cocked his head, as if listening carefully to man. He let out a disgruntled sigh as he trotted up the stairs to the front door.

Remus put the key in the lock and allowed the dog inside. Neither looked out of place in this run-down neighbourhood; scruffy, unkempt and both far too skinny.

Padfoot ran inside as soon as the door was open, nose to the ground as he explored his new surroundings, tailing wagging the whole time. Remus let out a laugh and removed his coat "Padfoot stay off the sofa, I don't want fur everywhere" he shouted as he toed off his shoes before following the dog into the living room.

Lo and behold there was the shaggy dog sprawled across the sofa looking quite pleased with himself, he turned to look at Remus with big puppy dog eyes. Remus simply shock his head and sat in the arm chair opposite "you can clean that hair off when you change back." Padfoot simply wagged his tail and let out a bark, his tongue now lolling from his mouth. "If you don't change back and clean it I won't feed you" he said trying to keep a stern look on his face.

"Aww Remmie, you're no fun" Sirius had taken his human form once more and was now laying across Remus's couch with his feet hanging over the arm. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked at Remus carefully. Remus was already staring, it was the first time they'd been alone (and both human) since Remus found out the whole truth of that night 12 years ago.

"I'm sorry."

Both had spoken at the same time, then both looked down at their hands; Remus's were clenched, Sirius's were palm up, both were still holding back.

"I never should have believed you'd done it, but the evidence was there. We all thought you were still the secret keeper, then Peter made it look so convincing! My heart! The wolf! I tried to convince myself that it wasn't you; James was your brother, and Harry, poor baby Harry. But you went to Azkaban quietly, didn't try and fight it at all. I was told you laughed as they arrested you, like some sort of maniac"

A single tear rolled down his cheek as he looked at Sirius, the wolf had been right all along and Remus had dismissed the animal, thinking it foolish and pining for its mate. But the wolf had been right, the animal within had known their mate better than Remus himself.

Sirius moved towards Remus and knelt in front of him, placing his hand either side of his lover's face, he wiped the stray tear away with his thumb. "What happened to us? Why did we stop trusting each other?" The words were quiet and neither had an answer for the questions.

"You distanced yourself from me, stopped hanging out with the rest of us. Went out at all hours, never telling anyone where you went, not even me Remmie, not even me. The war was hard on all of us I know that but you really changed, what were you doing?" Remus let out a sigh and removed Sirius's hands from his face, though he didn't let them go, he held them tightly in his own.

"Dumbledore had me looking for the werewolves, he wanted them on our side, but he didn't want everyone knowing what I was doing. In case it didn't work; in case you-know-who got word and did the same thing; in case it blew my cover and got me killed. Finding them was hard, they'd all gone into hiding a long time ago. I was out and about at all hours, they were distrustful of wizards so they didn't completely trust me. They had me meeting them at different times and places every time, never the same place twice, lest someone get wind of it. The ministry wanted us all registered, they were rounding up all the werewolves they could find and branding us like cattle" Remus rubbed at his shoulder where the serial number had been burnt into his skin using silver. "They didn't want to be registered and I don't blame them, it makes life hard, makes it easier for strangers to figure out you're a _monster_ " he said the last word through clenched teeth "I was tired, so tired" Tears began to fall from Remus's eyes and he ducked his head, unable to continue.

Sirius was silent as he listened to Remus's story, he felt the tears burning at the back of his throat, the muscles in his jaw clenched as Remus referred to himself as a monster. Both his hands were still holding one of Remus's, he bent his head forward, leaning his forehead in Remus's lap. Remus's other hand instinctively moved to Sirius's hair, running his fingers through the once luscious locks, Sirius hummed in response. It was then that Remus realised Sirius had been on the run for so long and hadn't had access to running water or proper food. Remus shifted slightly "Come on, you can go and take a shower and I'll make dinner" Remus prompter, Sirius lifted his head slowly, about to protest "We have time, we'll talk after, I promise" Remus spoke before Sirius could even get a word out. He leant down and pressed a soft kiss to Sirius's forehead.

While Sirius was in the shower Remus set about making lunch, grateful that Dumbledore had sent some food over to the house for them as stopping to shop hadn't even crossed Remus's mind. The water shut off just as Remus had finished making a simple dinner of soup and bread, he left the soup on a low heat while he waited for Sirius to appear in the small kitchen. "There was a time that putting your clothes on would have been impossible" Sirius mused as he entered the kitchen, wearing a jumper with the sleeves pushed up to the elbow and a pair of cargo trousers that he'd had to roll up several times due to the height difference. Remus looked over at Sirius and a sad smile crossed his lips, Sirius had lost a lot of weight in Azkaban, he'd always had an athletic build and now he was little more than skin and bones. Remus crossed the room slowly and placed his hand on the back of Sirius's neck, resting his forehead against the shorter mans with a sigh. They stayed like that for a few moments before Sirius's stomach growled at the smell of food. They sat at the old dining room table and ate in silence, sharing the occasional glance.

They once again retired to the living room after the food had been consumed, this time they sat next to each other on the couch, there was an air of awkwardness in the room and neither wanted to address it. Sirius broke the silence they had slipped into "Dumbledore said it would be best for me to go into hiding, with me hiding too they'd assume I was the one holding the key to James and Lily's whereabouts." He gushed "I should have told you, I should have trusted yo-" he stopped, feeling Remus's hand on his leg "We should have trusted each other, Dumbledore thought he was keeping us all safe by making us keep secrets, but all it did was tear us apart" Remus's words were soft as he looked at Sirius his eyes shining a little. Sirius covered Remus's hand with his own and squeezed lightly. "I hated leaving you, I remember sitting in my cell that first full moon, knowing I shouldn't have gone after Peter, I wanted to avenge James, but it meant leaving you on your own. Please forgive me." He shifted off the couch and got onto his knees in front of Remus, as if begging. "Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you, don't deny me, this pain I'm going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do. Please believe me, every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you."

Remus removed his hand from Sirius's and Sirius looked down in defeat about to get up and move away when he felt those long fingers on his chin, lifting his face up. A hand now rested either side of his head as Remus guided Sirius towards him, closing the gap between them, their lips touching in a soft and shy manor. This was not what Sirius had been expecting but he wasn't going to argue, merlin how he'd missed this mouth, how he'd missed the touch of his lover. Sirius caught Remus's bottom lip between his teeth, nipping it gently before sucking on it causing a growl of pleasure to come from deep in Remus's chest. The sound alone caused Sirius's cock to spring to life, he pushed Remus into a laying position, covering Remus's body with his own.

Remus's grip on Sirius hadn't let up, his hand and shifted from his face and were now tangled in the others hair as he tried to pull him closer, deepening the kiss; opening his mouth to allow Sirius entrance. Sirius's hands had started out on Remus's hips but had since moved up and under the others shirt. His fingers traced over the skin that he had once known so well, tracing old and familiar scars, but also finding new ones as he explored. With swift fingers Sirius unbuttoned the shirt, his lips trailing along Remus's jaw, down his neck, stopping only to nibble the collar bone, eliciting a groan from Remus just as Sirius knew he would. He continued down Remus's chest, his eyes flicked up to look at his lover's face. Remus's eyes were closed and he seemed to be humming with pleasure. Sirius grinned as his tongue flicked out over one of Remus's nipples; causing the other to hiss and arch his back. Sirius chuckled softly, continuing his journey across Remus's chest, making sure to kiss every scar before circling his tongue around Remus's belly button. Remus groaned once more, pulling Sirius back to his face and capturing his lips once more. Remus's legs were now wrapped around Sirius's hips as he held the other in place, the kissing intensifying. "Can't get close enough" he growled in Sirius's ear, making Sirius's shiver with anticipation. "Bedroom" Sirius murmured against Remus's lips. Detangling themselves from each other Sirius pulled Remus off the couch before allowing the other to lead him to the bedroom.

No sooner were they in the bedroom then Sirius was attached to Remus's lips once more, pushing the already undone shirt from his shoulders. The back of Remus's legs hit the bed and he pulled Sirius with him, Sirius paused momentary to pull the sweater over his head and throw it on the floor behind him. Remus made a grab for Sirius and flipped their positions so he was now the one on top. He sat straddling Sirius, his erection straining against his corduroys as he took in the sight before him; Sirius was much too skinny, but it was still his Sirius. His eyes raked over his lover's body, taking in everything, his gaze lingered on the bulge in Sirius's trousers. Sirius began to squirm, worried that Remus may be changing his mind, the 12 years in Azkaban had not been kind to Sirius. Remus rolled his hips causing their erections to brush against one another, both men gasped at the sensation, the glint in Remus's eyes made all of Sirius's worried melt away. With skilled fingers Remus undone Sirius's trousers, setting his erection free from its prison. Remus leaned forward burying his nose in the nape of Sirius's neck, inhaling deeply he murmured "I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything. I remember all your moves." He pulled back a little, his eyes locking with Sirius's "I remember you." He kissed Sirius softly before sitting up once more. He moved himself from sitting atop Sirius so he could completely remove the other's trousers and boxers. Kneeling on the end of the bed he took in the full glory of Sirius with hungry eyes.

Remus could feel his palms beginning to sweat a little, suddenly feeling nervous, it had been 12 years and he hadn't been with anyone since Sirius was taken. Taking a shaky breath, he moved forwards, he kissed down Sirius's chest, nipping gently on Sirius's hip bone, which caused the other to buck his hips in response. Remus grinned to himself as he positioned himself between Sirius's legs, looking up for a moment, Sirius's eyes were on him. Their eyes locked as Remus's tongue brushed the head of Sirius cock, Sirius gasped grabbing a fistful of the sheets. "Oh Merlin" Sirius exclaimed as Remus took the head into his mouth, sucking lightly. Remus chuckled around Sirius's erection, the vibrations causing Sirius to buck his hips. "Fuck Moony" he breathed as Remus took his whole cock into his mouth without a problem. Remus pulled back letting Sirius cock leave his mouth with a delicious pop.

Sirius grabbed for Remus once more, pulling him up for another kiss as he rolled them over so he was once again on top, he made quick work of removing Remus's trousers so they were both now completely naked. "I missed you Padfoot. It feels like our first night together. You're still the one." The words were spoken softly between kisses, neither get enough of the other. "Make love to me Sirius" Remus whispered as he run his tongue along Sirius's earlobe. Sirius grabbed for Remus's wand and conjured up some lube. He allowed some to warm on his fingers before using it to prepare his lover, as he fingered Remus's entrance he used his other hand to pump his lover's erection, listening to the sounds of pleasures that he was causing which only spurred him on. He applied a little more lube to his own erection, Remus let out a low growl of displeasure as Sirius removed his fingers. Sirius grinned down at him, that grin that lit up his whole face, making him look like the old Sirius for the first time in a long time. Keeping his eyes on Remus as he slowly pushed the head of his penis into his lover's entrance.

Remus grunted in a mixture of pain and pleasure, it had been so long for them, he could feel the wolf clawing at his mind, wagging its tail in happiness and finally being reunited with the missing part of itself. "You're not going to break me Sirius. Move!" he rumbled as he reached up to grab at Sirius's face, tangling his long fingers into the dark hair, he pulled Sirius's face down to meet his. The kiss was filled with the sorrow he'd felt without him and the happiness at being reunited, it conveyed all the things neither one could put into words. Sirius began with slow trusts, the sound of Remus's moans were music to his ears, Remus's long legs wrapped around his waist as if afraid that the other would disappear.

Sirius went slow and deep, making sure Remus enjoyed every moment, felt every thrust. There bodies melted together, Remus nipped at Sirius's earlobe "Stop teasing me" he breathed "And fuck me like you mean it!" he added with a snarl causing Sirius to groan deeply. Sirius began to move faster; harder, all those years without his love coming into this moment, he could feel Remus's nails scraping down his back to his butt cheeks. Sirius could feel his orgasm coming on and could see the precum glistening on the tip of Remus's erection, he began to pump the others cock in time with his trusts. They came together, shouting out each other's names as they did so. Sirius collapsed on top of Remus, both panting heavily.

After a moment their breathing returned to normal and Sirius pulled out, though he made no move to get off Remus and Remus didn't seem to mind, he was lazily running his fingers up and down Sirius's back a feeling of content sitting in his chest. "Where do we go from here Moony?" Sirius asked slowly, looking up and the other man carefully, as if afraid of the answer. Remus smiled down at him, there was a slight sadness in that smile. "I don't know Pads, I really don't but the one thing I'm sure of; is the way we make love. The one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong. With every word and every breath, I'm praying. This time; no secrets, I won't let secrets tear us apart again, I won't lose you this time." His words were soft but there was determination there.

Sirius propped himself up onto one elbow so he could lean up and capture Remus's lips once more "No secrets" he agreed before laying his head down on Remus's shoulder. Using the free hand he had Remus grabbed for his wand and used a quick cleaning spell before summoning the blankets to cover them. And that was how the fell asleep, wrapped in each other's embrace, together.


End file.
